BFF's ugh

Finally I figured out

But it took a long, long time

But now there's a turnabout

Maybe 'cause I'm trying

There's been times, I'm so confused

All my roads, They lead to you

I just can't turn and walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you

Wonder if I'll always be with you

But words can't say, And I can't do

Enough to prove,

It's all for you

I thought I'd seen it all

'Cause it's been a long, long time

But then we'll trip and fall

Wondering if I'm blind

There's been times, I'm so confused

All my roads, They lead to you

I just can't turn and walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you

Wonder if I'll always be with you

But words can't say, And I can't do

Enough to prove,

It's all for you

Rain comes pouring down

Falling from blue skies

Words without a sound

Coming from your eyes

Finally I figured out

But it took a long, long time

But now there's a turnabout

Maybe cause I'm trying

There's been times, I'm so confused

All my roads, They lead to you

I just can't turn and walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you

Wonder if I'll always be with you

But words can't say, And I can't do

Enough to prove,

It's all for you

It's hard to say what it is I see in you

Wonder if I'll always be with you

But words can't say, And I can't do

Enough to prove,

It's all for you

It's hard to say

It's hard to say

It's all for you

BFF's

My BFF's have both disappointed me this week.

A) what should I do?
B) yeah, I'm ok about it, and maybe I should just move on.
B.a) nah

Day 03: Something with which you struggle.

I have a hard time starting tasks, EVERY DAY!

I wake up around 6am to 7am.  I will stay in my room playing on my phone, watching tv and put off eating breakfast.

Once I do get one thing done on my to do list then I will complete every item, but I will push all you-gotta-get-this-done items off for another day if there is any chance I can get away with it.

I have a friend staying with us tomorrow through sunday and there is some important areas that need to be cleaned. I think I might skip class tomorrow to get it done before they land instead of doing it tonight.

I think I'm going to have a gin and tonic instead.

Yay!

Day 02: Something you regret not having done in the past year

Regret. That word sounds like a decision made the wrong way affected my whole life. This one just affected my past year, I hope.

I do have a BFF that I didn't stay in touch with in any real way but that was do to circumstances of us both hating life.  We currently text occasionally and I talked to him briefly about a week ago. I was glad to hear, and it sounded sincere, that we miss each other but I don't know if we'll be friends like we were.  Again, no ones fault, circumstances were what they were but our friendship won't be the same I fear.

I regret making the decision to stop talking to him last December because our sarcasm and negative conversations about hating life was really depressing me.  I'm betting he'd say the same thing.

but there it is and nothing can change what was chosen.

I also regret that I don't know 100% if I used affect vs effect properly in this post. I probably should figure this out since I have to take the ACT in the next year.

Anyway...

I have a friend coming to stay from Denver and one from D.C. arriving on Thursday so I'm happy about that. Yay for me!

Day 1 - Something you're looking forward to, in the next year

First day and its already 9:30-ish.  This will be short.

The first part of 2012 was crap but that changed in May after leaving the soul draining job and going back to school.  I am looking forward to finishing school at Phoenix College then going on to ASU. AND I'm glad that I don't have to deal with the job that made me sad.

Since everything has turned out really well financially, and we both don't have to work at a job we can't stand, doing school work will be cake.

mmmm cake

Good Night!

The last day of September

A blog is a funny thing.  Here I am, back a year later and I'm reading over the last entries I made.  I do not recall any of the episodes that I typed about and was so worried about how to resolve them. Worrying wastes time and energy apparently.

I found a 30 day challenge on another blog so I'm going to borrow it and see if i can get back into typing in this space.  I tried to link to the page but it doesn't seem to exist anymore. (this list was found a while ago and saved on my hard drive as a text file). I'll start tomorrow, the first and we'll see how it goes.

Write a blog entry, one per day for 30 days on the following subjects:


Day 01: Something you're looking forward to in the next year.

Day 02: Something you regret not having done in the past year.

Day 03: Something with which you struggle.

Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.

Day 05: Something in life that gives you balance.

Day 06: Something that excites you and fills you with joy.

Day 07: The best thing(s) to happen to you this week.

Day 08: Something you're currently worried about.

Day 09: Things you want to say to five different people.

Day 10: Something at which you've been a champion or the best.

Day 11: Something about which people seem to compliment you.

Day 12: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.

Day 13: Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.

Day 14: Someone who has made your life worth living.

Day 15: A band/musical artist whose music impacted your life.

Day 16: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 17: Someone with whom you shared a friendship/relationship that simply drifted out of your life.

Day 18: Someone you met randomly that's made an impact on your life.

Day 19: Something that shook your belief system to its core (a big disappointment in your life).

Day 20: Discuss your favorite movie and why it's so special to you.

Day 21: Write about your best friend (not significant other) and what makes them special.

Day 22: Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life.

Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.

Day 24: Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.

Day 25: Discuss something you planned that ended up not being what you expected.

Day 26: How do you handle/deal with both success and failure?

Day 27: What is your vocation (why are you here on earth)?

Day 28: What is your biggest dream in life (what one great thing do you want to accomplish)?

Day 29: What WAS your biggest dream in life (you wanted to do as a kid but no longer can)?

Day 30: Someone in your family that means so much to you.

Day 31: Epilogue: Write a letter to yourself.

November 25th

A Very Gaga Thanksgiving on the DVR

Holy Shit. Amazing, just balls. Cajones.

November 21st

November 7th

Prince Harry was is in Arizona. Ginger swoon.

November 6th

Yup, its the first week and I've already skipped some days. Typical me.

I had a boys night out last night. Dave stayed home while I headed out with Ken and Jeff.  Ken's the BFF and Jeff is a trusted work friend.

I finally talked to Ken about why I was so angry at him in March but being intoxicated while explaining what happened didn't help clarify the whole situation, but I feel lots better about finally saying something.

Jeff confessed that he's trying to convert us to Christianity. I'm an atheist and Ken's an agnostic.  Being told that my life doesn't have meaning and the moments don't matter because after death there isn't a god was pretty insulting. I really had a good time last night but apparently it doesn't matter since after I'm dead their won't be a wise old man waiting for me in some sort of happy, cloud filled place.  I don't have a problem that he believes this. I was unhappy that he kept insisting we were wrong.  I'm not wrong, I believe something different and its ok that I do.

But there were so great moments, we found a really great new sushi place in the avenues and I took them to my latest favorite irish bar.  Yeah!

November 3rd

Do you ever watch youtube videos because they make you smile? Of course you do!!  I love Pam and Jim's wedding from The Office.  I'm so happy when I watch it I cry uncontrollably.


Awesome right?

Here is what I'm like when I watch the video!

November 2nd

Still not in the habit of posting. Since my phone and I are BFFs I'm giving the app a go.

I'm a little nervous about a presentation for tomorrow. I made a snarky big deal about Native American month and somehow promised to talk about my moms family.

Badly put together PowerPoint is ready to go and now I can relax with Dave, finish watching The Young Victoria and enjoy my snack. Wheat toast with blackberry jam.

Good night!

November 1st

Seriously! I'm writing in my blog!

Every November I give it another go to see if I can do it! Can I finish a NaBloPoMo? No, probably not. but why not try.

Let me do a quick check on what was happening last on the Ole Blogge when I last posted in January.
Yup, I was way to worried about the people I let in to my life. I thought i was quirky, I think that I must be neurotic-y

ok

November 1st post done

Blogger installed on iPhone (my BFF) so hope to be more diligent about posting.

I'll see you all tomorrow!!

WooHoo! lets do this!

Saturday Night

I really need to stop watching Big Love

I am so far from that 19 year old who abruptly know that her religion was made up and not what I want. This show is giving me horrible flashbacks to specific moments that I tried really hard to forget.  The dialogue of Mormon-Speak makes me a puddle of anxiety. I feel worse for my husband, since he has to deal with my sudden anxiety attacks or quick storm of tears.  Luckily, I can let the moment pass and then step back and reason that it really doesn't matter and I can move on again and be fabulous me.  To be honest, it can also make me laugh hysterically.

So what's up with you?

I am riding a wave of gratefulness. Last Saturday my most amazing friend, Todd, opened his home to me for my graduation party. Yes, I have finally finished my bachelors. It only took 23 years.  But that's really not what I'm happy for.  You take classes and complete them with a C or better until you collect enough points. BAM a bachelors.

I am grateful for my friends.  I've always been someone who never let anyone in except those that I really truly trusted and really truly loved.  I find it really hard to call someone my friend. I like people but before I put that label "friend" on someone, there is an intense vetting process by a panel of one crazy minded me. So I really was cautious as to who I invited. The more the merrier would be the obvious thing but I got really panicy about who should be on the invitation list.  When a name went on the list, I had to be comfortable that I could call them a friend.  It did pay off in the end because when the evening came, I was with the people that I loved.  You can tell because I hugged everyone. I hate being touched by anyone unless I trust them.  Oh it burns, it burns.

Guy Friends are Awesome but...

I can't hang out on pillows on the floor and eat popcorn and drink wine and shout ridiculous things like I can with a girl friend.

It didn't go so well

Do you know what I find most annoying about this situation is that I'm spending my time feeling sad, I'm asking my sweetbaby if I'm the one being a bitch and he assures me that I'm very capable of being a bitch but in this situation, I really haven't done anything wrong, AND I'm writing about it.

We had dinner with the BFF and her husband, Ginger last night.  There was such an uncomfortable moment that went on way to long, even her husband tried to break the moment and she STILL went on for a good minute.  60 seconds is a long time.

We climbed into the safety of my car, Tallulah, and Dave assured me that he saw it, even her husband acknowledged the weirdness at the table, and I told him I'm on a break from her. Then we went to my neighborhood bar for a drink.

A gin and tonic makes me happy.

There are very, very few people that I truly trust completely and I've trusted her for over a decade.  Each contact that I've had with her lately has come down to stupid challenges in conversations, mocking my opinions, and comments in attempts to belittle me.

I'm puzzled as to what her goal is by doing all of this.  She knows that if I don't like what I'm experiencing than I will leave that experience behind. This means that I don't want to see her right now.

There have been some passive aggressive texts and emails with all of this as well.

I'm not saying that I'm losing another BFF but I'm not dumb enough not to know that people grow apart. I won't put up with being treated badly. I'm just assessing what the last half a year of bad manners weighs against the last 15 years as friends.

Checking in after the trip

I was planning on rehashing my trip to Colorado but I haven't had the best day.  I stayed home today because my stupid R.A. can't let me recover from all the walking last week.  My left ankle swelled up and it felt like a metal spike was swishing around in my small ankle and foot bones.  This is really inconvenient when you have a two story home. Icing my ankle has been lots of fun.  In between the icings, i've been preparing for my LAST CLASS that starts on Thursday, so that was a small bit of sunshine, anticipating my last semester.

I'm also getting more and more mad about the situation with the BFF.  I've talked to her twice since I got home on Saturday and she's pissed me off both times.  She's responding like its her job to take an opposing point on everything that we discuss.  I always get a little down when I'm in a joint pain situation because it reminds me how much this stupid condition has changed my life, and then she's a bitch to me today. Yes, I have told her how I feel. We are seeing each other this weekend for dinner. Sweetbaby asked if I really want to see her and I'm kind of thinking that I should cancel. I'm going to try and ask again what the deal is if she does the same argumentative thing with me.

On a related note, The ex-BFF was discussed in Colorado very briefly.  Steffie asked if I have talked to her lately so I assumed that she hadn't contacted her recently either.  Her? 6 months; Me? 2 years.  They used to work together and just didn't keep in touch after she left the company Steffie works for. I didn't get into what happened between us.  One thing about Caryn was that she was always fun and just funny as hell.

Anyway, I'll rehash the visit to Colorado sometime this week.  I will say that it was the BEST! I haven't laughed that much for a whole week for a long time.  Seeing David, Steffie and Doug meant non-stop fun. Old friends are awesome.

Tasks that will distract you from completing a 5 page paper due in 24 hours

• Have a cold that includes a sinus pressure headache
• Decide to do homework for another class that isn't due for 5 days
• Watch the Movie Waitress with the Commentary option on, on the laptop
• Look up the Wikipedia page for the writer and director of Waitress, who was murdered before it was released
• Have the 6 hour documentary of Monty Python: Almost the Truth on mute on the TV
• Deliberately try to run the battery down on iPhone by running the iPod on it
• Check to see what song is playing on iPhone over and over
• Help the husband make a list for Costco
• Check out Twitter
• Take naps induced by Non-Drowsy Sudafed

I've had the time of my life (ala that stupid song from dirty dancing) with my real BFF my sister at the BNL concert.

Conversation Saturation

I've had so much people saturation that I'm getting extremely pissy.  I get sick of making small talk with people I don't have any interest in getting to know better and I don't want to offend the ones that I love by asking them to shut the fuck up.  This is ironic because I really talk way too much in conversations.  Anyway its me, not them. There is a point where I need to withdraw from polite society and shutter myself away into my house. That's usually my weekends. I didn't get a weekend because I said yes to fun on Friday, Saturday, tonight and tomorrow night.  AND I forgot that I had to work yesterday.

The BFF's harshness was grating on me after a day of working ON SATURDAY GAH, and then had to rush to get to a party right after.  Last night she challenged me in my opinions on ANYTHING.  I'm betting that she does it all the time but I don't really notice it. Oh boy did I notice it last night. During conversations, she had this tone of outrage at her response to my favorite movies, tv shows that I like, cities I want to visit, the wine I chose, my purse, my glasses, ... oh I can go on.  Its nice to know that my sweetbaby can tell when I'm about to finally respond to the assault, gets me a glass of wine and takes me outside as an escape.